I read the article in The New York Times Parenting column and thought it was quite interesting. The Giving Tree was one of my son’s favorite books because he was particularly fond of trees. But I hated this book. And I felt he was too young for me to fully articulate why. The most I said was, “the boy isn’t a very good friend to the tree, and it makes me sad.” He was 4 or 5 at the time.
We don’t read it very often anymore for that reason, but now, I don’t think I’ll mind. This article, entitled “We Need to Talk About ‘The Giving Tree'” has given me some very good discussion points, and quite honestly, they’re good for young and old alike, and it inspired a train of thought PERFECT for my first post on wellness.
In The Giving Tree, a little boy befriends a tree. The tree loves the little boy and gives him whatever he asks, just for the boy to leave for long periods, grow, and return downtrodden, looking for his “friend” to give him something to fix his next problem.
The tree had no healthy boundaries, and gave him whatever he asked, only to be left at the end, with nothing, but a stump to show for this “friendship.”
I saw a parallel in life, right in my office. I have people in front of me all the time, not following their health care regimen, not finding time to eat right, exercise, check their blood sugar or blood pressure because they are taking care of a family member, over too many church ministries, bogged down at work…you name it, I’ve heard it.
My “patient non-adherence” problem is generally filled with a story about how this person has put themselves on the back burner for so many others. NO. BOUNDARIES. It’s what the giving tree did. And she gave until she was only a stump, with nothing left to give, and the boy had everything.
Many times we talk about self-care, we think, spa day, massage, etc. I read this piece a while back that shared my opinion that self-care is so much more and defined true self-care as building a life from which you don’t need escape. That requires excellent skill in setting boundaries.
Here are some wonderful quotes from the article that are great take-aways:
“Self-sacrifice is not sustainable, and it isn’t healthy either. Research shows that people who care about others and neglect themselves are more likely to become anxious and depressed.”
— Adam Grant and Allison Sweet Grant
“Generosity is not about sacrificing yourself for others — it’s about helping others without harming yourself. It’s not about giving to takers — it is giving in ways that nurture more givers. It’s not about dropping everything any time someone needs you — it is prioritizing your needs along with theirs.”
–Adam Grant and Allison Sweet Grant
I thought I was very good at boundaries. And I was okay at it, but I’ve learned that for people I really care about, I have a hard time sticking to my guns. I really rely on their respect for me, and that’s a mistake—we must be comfortable with requiring that respect regardless of whether it is offered.
And actually, let’s take it a step further. Not only did this tree give everything, but it asked for nothing. This is where I have the MOST room for growth: asking for, and receiving, help from others. It’s essential to wellness. Not only does it allow others to express love for you, it allows your tank to be filled in ways you truly need but can’t provide yourself. It is also a practice in humility. It strengthens relationships, because, when we’re honest, there’s a bit of power that comes from always being the helper, never the helped. The closeness that comes from the vulnerability of you allowing someone to help you can really strengthen the bond of friendship (I think I learned this from Brene Brown).
But it’s not just me. These same patients, horrible at boundaries, tend to be givers who need to be convinced to accept help from others. Who either have a hard time humbling themselves enough to receive, a hard time realizing their worthy of the very same help they are wasting away giving others—or some combination of the two.
So, in my inaugural wellness blog post, I choose not to necessarily focus on exercise, or healthy eating, or meditation. But to focus on boundaries and vulnerability. Because the balance between these two things are essential to formulating the inner peace that is required to live well, and I always say, true health starts with mental and spiritual health.
P.S. For more information on these topics, I highly recommend Brene Brown, who is the vulnerability guru. See links to her books on amazon below (I am making NO MONEY FROM THIS—I JUST LOVE HER STUFF):