Remove Your CAPE–No More Superwoman Syndrome

In our WDNAI documentary, we were asked about the “Strong Black Woman” persona and how we thought it was affecting black women. One of my Destiny Diamond sisters from Volume 1 (shout out to Shadawn McCants) was absolutely right when she said that cape is choking us!! I said I reject my cape—I’m giving it back! And as I’ve said before, I want every woman to know that it’s time to take that CAPE off and say no to Superwoman Syndrome!

For me C.A.P.E. stands for: Checking boxes, Anxiety, which is very much associated with Perfectionism, and Exhaustion.

We don’t have to be superhuman to be powerful. Our vulnerability IS powerful. Our authenticity IS powerful.

I want you to choose:

Progress over Perfection.

Purpose over Perfection.

Power over Perfection.

Peace over Perfection.

Checking Boxes:

I was just walking around and performing and succeeding because it was what I knew how to do. And I felt the weight of having to be the ONE that looked like me in most rooms—there is that weight of representing your gender and ethnicity that follows you.

I was doing it to the detriment of my health and had to ask myself to what purpose. And I was overwhelmed by all of it—the mom and wife and physician and leader and migraine. I had to make a change. As my sister Rochelle Jacobs says, no one is coming to save you but you. I had decisions to make.

I started with learning to sit down, evaluating my core values, and asking myself if my life was consistent with these values. I realized that it wasn’t, so it was time to do something about it. It wasn’t easy, but it was possible. And if I can, you can.

Purpose over perfection.

Anxiety:

Did you know that perfectionism is associated with anxiety and depression? Well, I was definitely having some dark moments trying to figure out how to break the cycle I was in or keep performing at peak levels when my body was literally giving out on me. And what would people think when I had to admit I needed a break? What would people think if I needed help?

Setting boundaries, using my NO, and learning to choose goals and activities that were consistent with my core values were essential to my shift. I worked on changing the way I approach life, and it is crushing the feelings of anxiety. The people who love you want you to take care of yourself, and typically want to help you in the ways they can. The ones who are judging you? God bless them. They likely have their own issues they are dealing with. Truly. It’s not about you but you also don’t need their negativity. Pray for them and keep it moving.

You deserve better.

Power over Perfection.

Perfectionism:

So…at the heart of it all is the spirit of perfectionism and the topic is so deep I can’t fully go into it in this space. But some fast facts:

  • it’s more prevalent in recent years than 30 years ago
  • People with perfectionism rarely participate in adequate self-care
  • while high standards and a desire for excellence can be a good thing, perfectionism typically inhibits enough that it keeps a person from performing to their true potential due to fear of judgment and procrastination

Although I was quite successful in my perfectionism, I can tell you that I found it keeping me from speaking up in meetings where I had great ideas or holding back from projects or steps in my life where I was scared of some type of failure. In fact, I realized I had not really ever failed at anything because I never really attempted anything I didn’t know I could do—I played it safe which also likely kept me from growth.

One of my favorite quotes by Marion Williamson in part states, “We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing it small doesn’t serve the world.”

We have a responsibility to live up to our fullest potential. Focus on the process, not the outcome. Failure is inevitable if you are trying for something extraordinary, but it also brings you one step closer to success. As someone said, you’ve learned one way not to do it. Don’t let your perfectionism hold you back.

Progress over perfection.

Exhaustion

I was exhausted, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I was running my body into the ground. I had a continuous migraine, a condition called status migrainosus, and would not get it properly evaluated, adequately treated, or simply take some days off to try to rest appropriately.

Mentally, I was drained, because trying to keep up with the demanding academics of medicine and plan and take care of domestic responsibilities when in pain was grueling. Emotionally, I was a wreck. Chronic pain is associated with depression, and I’m not going to say I was depressed, but I was definitely irritable, frustrated, a little scared—all day, every day. I also felt like no one understood what I was going through and couldn’t support me.

Exhaustion. When you’re carrying more than you should, you can be emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually tired, because you don’t have time to take care of you. Remember, loving others begins in appropriate self-love, and self-love equals self-care.

Start setting boundaries. Ask for help appropriately. Rest when you’re tired. Eat when you’re hungry. It sounds so basic, but sometimes, we just don’t. That cape is at the cost of our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. We have to stop.

Peace over Perfection.

Real Love of a Woman…Wellness of a Woman

I am honored to have been asked to speak to some Christian ladies in a truly holistic way–mind, body, and spirit connection of the importance of truly caring for ourselves.

This entire blog is a testament to the above–we are our best when we take the time to care for ourselves. But we often feel guilty doing so. Many times we focus on scriptures that teach us that to be Christian is to be selfless, and to die to self. Of course this is true–it wouldn’t be in there if it weren’t. But this is balanced with scriptures that teach us what it really means to be God’s child, and to show true love to all His creation. We learn about expediency and moderation in the Bible, and I believe the same is true with selflessness and self-love. We’re taught to be selfless, but we also should show ourselves love, as God’s creation.

“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well”

Psalms 139:14

In this scripture we recognize that we are God’s creation. Fully honoring his work means fully caring for this amazing creation that he has given us stewardship over.

But even more:

“And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the foul of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.”

Gen 1: 25

We are made in God’s image! We aren’t just ANY creation–we are a creation that is made in the image of the ALMIGHTY. But wait–THERE’S MORE!

“What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit which are God’s.”

1 Cor 6:19-20

Not only are we God’s creation, not only are we a special creation in His image, but we house His Spirit!! This body deserves the utmost love, care and respect, as He has given us a most underserved gift! Honoring Him means honoring ourselves as we honor His creation.

So, what does love look like? We’re not talking about that romantic stuff you see in the movies. We’re talking about the love that is patient, kind, unconditional, but also–that disciplines, that sometimes gives advice you don’t want to hear….lol. It’s the kind of love that makes you stronger, healthier, better.

LOVE MEANS ACCEPTANCE

So first, it means accepting your body as it is–as God’s creation–in love. You aren’t trying to change it because it needs to be changed to love it. It is worthy of love because God has created it. Your thighs are perfect the way they are. Your belly is beautiful. Those stretch marks mean you’ve lived through something!

We get healthy BECAUSE we love our bodies, and it means they will stay with us longer, and function for us better. We get healthy because it honors God’s creation when we care for it. But those cosmetic things–those we accept in love, because we are beautiful with them, we are beautiful when they change–they just reflect the trials we have been through. They reflect the resilience of this creation. We are enough just the way we are.

LOVE MEANS DISCIPLINE

This is the hard part.

Love means cultivating healthful habits that support making your body strong.

Sleeping 7-9 hours nightly.

Eating well: the healthy plate should be your guide! 4-5 servings of vegetables daily–so plants, plants and more plants! Decrease your added sugars and processed foods. Try for meatless days or go vegetarian or vegan. Try to decrease your refined carbohydrates and opt for whole grains.

Exercise: In general, try for 30 minutes most days weekly of moderate intensity exercise.

Health maintenance: Make time for your health maintenance appointments so you can get your appropriate screenings and stay on top of any chronic health problems.

These things mean placing appropriate boundaries on your time so that you can take care of yourself. It sometimes means eating something you don’t want to eat, or doing something you don’t want to do. But that’s true love. True love gives you what you need, not what you want.

LOVE MEANS COMMUNICATION AND CARE

During the first weeks of having to take off time with my migraines, I realized how much I ignored my body. I remember being hungry at home, looking up 2 hours later, and not having gone to eat. I was so used to ignoring my body’s communication with me at work, that I was doing the same when I no longer “had” to. What I ultimately figured out was that I shouldn’t have been allowing it at work either.

Love means listening to our body’s cues, and, within reason, attending to them. You feel pain, get that evaluated. Stop going all day with eating, or urinating. Don’t ignore that nausea or indigestion that could in fact be cardiovascular disease. Listen to your body.

Love also means taking a little time for rest and solitude. Just before the Lord sat me down with my migraines, He led me to studies on a sabbath spirit. See, when the Lord rested on the sabbath, it wasn’t because He needed it–He who is omnipotent certainly doesn’t need rest. It was to show us how important it is to be still. Stillness is the time that we have to hear His guidance, grow in His presence, and recharge so that we can give what we need to this world. And don’t believe stillness/meditation is beneficial to your body–well studies suggest that you can improve outcomes in hypertension, insulin resistance, heart disease, and possibly benefit cardiovascular risk.

LOVE MEANS BEING PATIENT WITH YOURSELF

You won’t get it all right the first time. Or the second. Or the third. It’s okay. Love means forgiving yourself, and offering yourself a place to begin again, without judgement.

If we can truly love ourselves, then we can truly love others the way they are meant to be loved. The Bible tells us to love our neighbors AS ourselves (Lev 19:18)–you can’t love someone else appropriately if you don’t love yourself first. You must be strong, you must be well, you must be whole. Take the time to honor God and His creation well. Love your body.

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