It has been one of those weeks where the entirety of the past 9 months of being patient and controlled in adversity felt like it was going to fall on me. It drove home some important lessons home:
You’ve got to stand up for yourself. If you don’t, no one else will. You’ve got to have your boundaries in place, and speak up when those boundaries are being walked all over. Yes, have grace with others, but also, you deserve better. Make sure you get it!
You’ve got to make time to check in with you. A couple of weeks ago, I realized I was ignoring myself and my feelings, and promised to change that. I truly believe the intensity of the frustration I felt in this week was the culmination of forgetting to check-in, and handle small problems while they were small. We can prevent build up by checking in. The other thing is that it works guys. I am queen of compartmentalizing. So on Sunday morning, when I just felt off, and realized I needed to meditate, and cleared my mind, and tears just came. Tears. It was so surprising, and not surprising at the same time. I needed to cry, but I never would have let myself in all the busyness. Then, I could start fixing it.
God is an amazing God: In the midst of this, I have had amazing support from the most unexpected places—some of them people that weren’t in my life 9 months ago. I also managed to bless others through blessings from others. It’s amazing how God works—how things come together. I’m constantly awestruck.
SMILE!!
I’m waking up this Saturday in much better shape than last week…or even the last 2 or 3 from a mental and spiritual perspective. And I attribute that to checking in with myself and realizing I wasn’t taking care of me, then committing to doing just that. So I challenge anyone reading this to do the same. You deserve it!
Last week, I wrote a post I haven’t posted to date, that shook me. When I started my blog, it was because I was going through one of the darkest trials I’ve encountered in my life, and it was a part of my journey towards personal wellness.
Professionally, wellness is my passion. I’m an internist who’d rather stop your medication because you changed your lifestyle than write you a prescription, who enjoys coaching her patients through lifestyle change, and issues keeping you from being your healthiest self. I once had a patient ask me, “Are you sure you’re just a doctor—are you sure you aren’t also a life coach?” I just laughed. Being great at my job sometimes require I be that and more. I want my patients to want to be healthy, to be partners with me in their health.
Personally, until the last 2 years, I probably focused more on my physical health than anything. I mean, I of course read my Bible. I went to church. But I didn’t feed me or stop long enough to really hear God. I was in a situation where someone asked me my hobbies, and…I couldn’t remember what I liked to do for fun besides sleep and read. It was a low moment for me. It was then that I realized I had to do something different, but it wasn’t until the migraines threatened my physical health that things really came together.
I did a great deal of work on myself. I started to understand I needed to create some boundaries, start saying no to those closest to me, and ask for help where I needed it. I realized I had a major problem with perfectionism (it will likely be a lifelong struggle, y’all) that I needed to address. I started to do some intense spiritual and self reflective work. And in the midst of that I realized that while I was working out 5 days weekly and putting healthy foods in, I had been ignoring myself so much that I wasn’t doing basic things like, eating when I felt hunger cues, or going to the restroom when I felt the urge but instead hours later. I was ignoring basic needs…because I had trained myself to for others. No wonder my body was in revolt.
I started the blog, at the time not really knowing why. Honestly, it just felt right and therapeutic. When I was young, I wrote—fictional stories, poetry, songs, journaled. You name it, I was always writing. Now it’s my accountability.
With this quarantine—-boy have I backslid. I’m such a servant. I am so blessed, and this is MY lane. But not just that, my children are young, and there’s added stress there now. My support system, which included a cleaning lady…on hold. Last week, I looked up, and I realized, I was doing a pretty shabby job taking care of me. Morning routine in a shambles. What meditation time? Only exercising two days weekly. And I felt it.
So forgiveness and grace with myself, and baby steps back. I decided I was using my patio. I love my patio. It’s my happy place. So the family went outside, and I sat on my patio. I committed to my quiet/meditation time, because the busyness is going nowhere soon. I started listening to my audio books again. And I got in 5 work outs this week—more like my previous normal.
What does it look like for you? Not sure. But it’s time. COVID-19 surprised us all, knocked us off our game a bit. But we got this. Doesn’t have to be forever. It changes today.
This is hard. Because right now, I’ve realized that the me piece of me is being a little…ignored. The only alone time I get is if my migraine is bad enough I can’t take it. What 15 minutes of reflection? Notice how Soulful Sundays have all but vanished? It’s a little sad. How does one protect herself from vanishing in the midst of the hustle and bustle of service and more service. This is my perpetual struggle. And as I write this out, I’m smiling a little, and tearing up a little as I realize it’s yet another “test” of the skills I learned…am learning.
Old habits die hard.
But I also think that during this time, this past 6 weeks, it was going to look different. The thing is that moving forward, I will need to be intentional about making sure to feed the me that isn’t a role. And I need to pray very hard for the health to afford my husband the same opportunity.
So happy to be able to bring in the new year in my pink camo onesie!!!
Funny, I’ve never really been one for New Year’s resolutions. They just seem too cheesy and cliché for me. But for some reason, what I have always found is there is this natural closing at the end of the year. A natural reflection that lends itself to a reset. And this year has been no different.
The past month has been a month full of returning to relationships that had me come face to face with the old me. It reminds you of the growth that has taken place. It is also amazingly grounding. There is nothing like watching your children play with the children of your onetime best friend who you no longer really get to keep in touch with due to…life; standing there, remembering the uncertainty and anxieties you shared during adolescence and young adulthood, proud to see how far you’ve both come.
Nothing like spending one on one time with your dad and
meeting one of his long-time friends; getting to see him in his professional
element.
Nothing like long talks with your mom wrapping presents, on
the way to a women’s book club, shopping.
Nothing like Christmas with the aunt, uncle and cousin, who
are more like members of your core family, for the first time in more years
than you can remember.
Nothing like sitting with your “big sister,” who apparently got on your page, read some of your posts, and came to do what she does with her wisdom in a full-on therapy session that was so needed.
Nothing like sitting up until 5am with your big-little
brother—just talking.
Nothing like meshing your past and present together at a
time in your life that seems so uncertain and unsettled.
It was perfect, exactly what I needed.
It’s very interesting. 2019 wasn’t all bad. I mean, I moved into my new home, traveled to some pretty cool places, and have seen some growth in some areas professionally despite my illness. My children are growing, and healthy and appear to be thriving. However, I must be honest, I can’t wait to see this year go.
It’s been hard, y’all. Professionally, physically, mentally,
physically, emotionally—every way you can think. I have been tried as mother,
wife, woman, human, physician and professional. I have grown. I am growing.
What am I grateful for in 2019? Lessons. Friends—finding out
who the real ones were, strengthening some bonds, finishing my circle. Growth.
Strength. Faith. Health. Income. Shelter. Family. Learning the meaning of
Margin. Defining my struggle with perfectionism. Life.
So 2020? I will continue to grow. I feel grounded. I feel
ready. I have some perspective that without this time meshing past with
present, I don’t think I would have gained—so amazing how these things work out
(look at God!). I’m grateful for the opportunity to continue to work on
protecting margin in my life, defeating perfectionism, practicing gratitude and
enjoying the blessings I have right now, rather than hustling so hard for…what
exactly?!
I’d like to have more peace in 2020. Here’s to true wellness.
Soulful Sundays: Once a week I will have an installment that speaks to my spirituality, because, as I’ve said, to me, spiritual wellness, is essential to complete wellness. Because I am Christian, my spirituality is heavily based on my relationship with the Trinity and the Christian Bible. If reading about God, Jesus, or the Spirit will offend your sensibilities, these posts aren’t for you–be advised
Anyone who has spoken to me in depth, in person, about these migraines I’ve been experiencing since May of this year has heard this: this is a very spiritual journey. It may make some uncomfortable to know just how much I hear God’s voice and feel His Spirit guiding my every move these days. This is a transformative process, and so when people ask me how I’ve remained sane through some of my darkest days, or how I’m smiling when I’ve been in some form of pain daily for around 5 months, I say, “The Lord and I have become really, really close.” When there are weeks you spent where 70-80% of your day is alone in a dark room, you either go into the darkness, or you get VERY spiritual, start to really ask some questions about some things, and stop asking questions about others, and just—do what He’s telling you to do. It’s what started this blog.
Today, I want to talk about suffering again, because mine
isn’t over, and it does my spirit some good to remind myself of purpose. We
suffer for a few reasons.
Sometimes, we’ve made some choices, and there are consequences. For instance, Adam and Eve chose to disobey the command not to eat from the specific tree in the Garden, and all of humanity has suffered the separation from God since. Jesus came to restore, but God does allow free will, and he does allow the natural consequences to those choices that are outside His will in our lives. I’ll tell y’all, I had some growing to do here. You know, things like: take responsibility for eating on time, drink enough water, get enough sleep, draw some appropriate boundaries. Basically, make sure you are taking care of your body. I said to myself, “God isn’t going to heal you if you aren’t doing the things that you need to do to take care of your own body, sweetie.” My preacher spent 5 minutes on the phone specifically trying to convince me to give up caffeine. I don’t take that lightly. So, I reduced it significantly, to amounts that I knew as a physician were much more in line with what was recommended for my condition (a major feat for me). And I saw major improvements. Consequences. I continue to pray for him to show me how to change the things I can change in my condition, as it is said, faith without works is dead.
Sometimes, the Lord is allowing a test, like in Job. And as
1 Peter 1:6-7 says, you may “suffer grief in all kinds of trials” but they have
come to “prove the genuineness of your faith” that it “may result in the
praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” Sometimes, your praise
through the storm is simply to perfect your faith so that God can be glorified.
And since Christians know Romans 8:28 well, we know there is no reason to get
down about these trials. We know Job was restored, above and beyond his
previous status. We know God’s will for us is above and beyond our wildest imagination
for ourselves, as long as we align ourselves with His will. I’m no where near
as tested as Job was, but I do lean on this story, as I encounter each new
challenge, each new hurdle. A positive spirit goes a long way amid a storm.
Sometimes, as I discussed in my previous blog, the Lord is preparing you for a great blessing, but he’s got to use what appears to be a stumbling block to get you on the path that he has cleared for you.
But the scripture that has carried me, and I have meditated
on: 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10
“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with the weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
–King James Version Bible
The timing of the headaches was right at a time in my life
when all God’s blessings were falling into place, my career seemed to be coming
together, my family is picture perfect, and I am finally beginning to own the
gifts and talents He has blessed me with. Then BAM! Now mind you, I have never
been an arrogant person—this is not really my struggle. In fact, I would say my
struggle is the opposite—downplaying and not fully utilizing my gifts and
talents. But I would say that I’m a bit of a control freak. I tend to like to
take the wheel. I tend to like to make the plan. And at a time where I was
beginning to see the gifts, I truly believe God has slowed me down enough so
that I can learn to lean on Him for guidance with exactly how I am to use them,
and who is supposed to be in my space when I do. I’m still learning, and
clearly, the migraines are still here, so He still has some things to show me.
Hopefully this can serve as an encouragement for someone else who’s going through a tough time or will go through a tough time. Truthfully, as I’ve stated before, this piece, this is about me, my growth, and my peace. Be blessed.
