May 9, 2020
Last week, I wrote a post I haven’t posted to date, that shook me. When I started my blog, it was because I was going through one of the darkest trials I’ve encountered in my life, and it was a part of my journey towards personal wellness.
Professionally, wellness is my passion. I’m an internist who’d rather stop your medication because you changed your lifestyle than write you a prescription, who enjoys coaching her patients through lifestyle change, and issues keeping you from being your healthiest self. I once had a patient ask me, “Are you sure you’re just a doctor—are you sure you aren’t also a life coach?” I just laughed. Being great at my job sometimes require I be that and more. I want my patients to want to be healthy, to be partners with me in their health.
Personally, until the last 2 years, I probably focused more on my physical health than anything. I mean, I of course read my Bible. I went to church. But I didn’t feed me or stop long enough to really hear God. I was in a situation where someone asked me my hobbies, and…I couldn’t remember what I liked to do for fun besides sleep and read. It was a low moment for me. It was then that I realized I had to do something different, but it wasn’t until the migraines threatened my physical health that things really came together.
I did a great deal of work on myself. I started to understand I needed to create some boundaries, start saying no to those closest to me, and ask for help where I needed it. I realized I had a major problem with perfectionism (it will likely be a lifelong struggle, y’all) that I needed to address. I started to do some intense spiritual and self reflective work. And in the midst of that I realized that while I was working out 5 days weekly and putting healthy foods in, I had been ignoring myself so much that I wasn’t doing basic things like, eating when I felt hunger cues, or going to the restroom when I felt the urge but instead hours later. I was ignoring basic needs…because I had trained myself to for others. No wonder my body was in revolt.
I started the blog, at the time not really knowing why. Honestly, it just felt right and therapeutic. When I was young, I wrote—fictional stories, poetry, songs, journaled. You name it, I was always writing. Now it’s my accountability.
With this quarantine—-boy have I backslid. I’m such a servant. I am so blessed, and this is MY lane. But not just that, my children are young, and there’s added stress there now. My support system, which included a cleaning lady…on hold. Last week, I looked up, and I realized, I was doing a pretty shabby job taking care of me. Morning routine in a shambles. What meditation time? Only exercising two days weekly. And I felt it.
So forgiveness and grace with myself, and baby steps back. I decided I was using my patio. I love my patio. It’s my happy place. So the family went outside, and I sat on my patio. I committed to my quiet/meditation time, because the busyness is going nowhere soon. I started listening to my audio books again. And I got in 5 work outs this week—more like my previous normal.
What does it look like for you? Not sure. But it’s time. COVID-19 surprised us all, knocked us off our game a bit. But we got this. Doesn’t have to be forever. It changes today.