I’ve got some feelings… Physician

I’m a physician. But I’m also a math brain who really gets the numbers. For instance, at the risk of alienating you, I’ll divulge that I was the kid in high school calculus who didn’t pay attention but still managed to make 103—as an average. I majored in psychology so I had to take a stupid number of statistics courses, and for my honors thesis, because I was too cheap to purchase the software, I did my ANOVA calculations by hand (to be fair, I had a small sample size). I’m that kid. So I visualize most of this stuff in my head as these guys talk. It just makes sense to me. At first when I was posting that we should be more worried about influenza…guys, I really thought our freaking government would get control of this thing before we had to worry about it. Like they did with Ebola, swine flu, and all the things before. I gave this administration too much credit. So once it was obvious they were completely irresponsible, none of this, I repeat, NONE OF THESE NUMBERS, have surprised me.

What has surprised me is watching my colleagues be told that they can’t use PPE by people who never took an oath to heal, serve, and protect patients. I’ve been surprised to watch entities that are supposed to protect us do so little to ensure our safety. I’ve been truly saddened to see how little value physicians’ lives hold, how some hospitals are falling right in line with devaluing their lives, and families are losing their fathers, mothers, and children. Resident physicians—physicians who never got to see the rewards to all their hard work—are dead because our leaders chose not to protect them, and agencies chose to weaken the requirements for PPE to things that have been shown to be inferior rather than push back and insist that the health care workers at the front lines be protected. And physicians—physicians are being asked to do this for FREE in some instances. And many are choosing to. Because we took an oath. After YEARS of people believing we are the reason that their bills are higher, not taking our directives, blaming us for everything from autism to cancer to make a quick buck, my colleagues are going and dying FOR FREE to save a life! Think on that.

I’m heartbroken. I’m disgusted. I’m scared at times. I feel extremely vulnerable. I love my profession. All I’ve ever wanted to do in my entire life is help people in this way. I would never watch someone in distress and not help them simply because I didn’t have protective equipment. I couldn’t. I’m also not sure I want to endanger my family, and/or leave them sacrificially, though. Someone mentioned a physician draft…I don’t know how plausible that really is. But what if I didn’t have a choice? I forget often, but I have asthma.

I like to end in gratitude, because that’s what keeps me grounded. I am so grateful to work for the employer I do! They have done an amazing job in all this. No one is perfect, but they have done everything they can to keep their front line workers and patients safe. They have been remarkably transparent. They have been leaders in the community. I don’t give kudos lightly, but they’ve earned it. I’m also grateful to be able to serve my patients, my friends, my church family with my knowledge during this uncertain time. I’m grateful that things that seem scary to others aren’t as scary to me, and that my knowledge has equipped me to be prepared throughout this entire process. I’m grateful for all the people who are expressing their gratitude for the sacrifice of those in the front line! They are such a light!!! I’m thankful for those who are praying for us. And I’m thankful for those who have read this without judgment.