“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”
Colossians 3:15
The preacher said something that struck home today. “If you are never satisfied with yourself, how can anyone else satisfy you?” Well, he said it differently—I don’t think he used you—I think he said a person who isn’t satisfied with… But I heard it the way I wrote it. Because I’m that person.
I have always had a goal. When I finished residency, I don’t remember feeling accomplished, I remember wondering what I was going to do next. Self-improvement is a core-value of mine and improving upon everything I touch kind of my mantra. At some point recently, I realized that this strength was also my biggest weakness—perfectionism. I’m still trying to fully define my particular brand of perfectionism, my motivations, but it’s what I’m struggling against, nonetheless. I had told myself that this wasn’t affecting my close relationships—I don’t hold everyone else to the impossible standards I hold myself to—but I’m pretty sure this was a huge case of denial. Of course, it affects my relationships.
I am constantly struggling between being satisfied with who I am and continuing to strive for self-improvement. After all, even the Bible says we will never achieve perfection. So where is the balance?
I’m honestly not sure. I think I may spend a lifetime trying to answer this question. But I’m coming to believe that it may just begin with gratitude—being thankful.
Don’t get me wrong. If we go back to the moment of residency completion, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that God brought me through. And of course, I did my obligatory thank you. But I mean, truly sitting in the space, appreciating what He’d brought me through. Understanding that if I didn’t do anything more, He’d done enough–I’d done enough.
I don’t list my complete resume here, partially because when it comes to blogging and social media, while you can likely figure it out, I don’t want to accidentally seem to represent any of my organizations when I am only representing myself. But let me tell you, God’s been good, and I’m not necessarily unimpressive (it’s even hard for me to type that…lol). You know what, I’ve got to do better. I’m pretty impressive—and I’ve got to say that because it’s a testimony to who God is. And it’s the beginning to what I’ve got to start doing.
Gratitude. It starts with being okay with being impressed with where God has brought me. It’s giving him credit for what I have today and being okay if I don’t achieve anything else. I don’t think that stops me from listening when He calls me to more. In fact, I think it will focus me, and help me discern when the more is mine (vs when I need to say no).
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thess 5:16-18